He only lived a short time, but his talent was legendary

Has it really been 15 years

I really liked him better when he was Hootie...

What a great show

He is equally successful as the front man for U2 and as a songwriter.... 

It was a dangerous and brutal undertaking, but it was worth it. 

Play me a song Pianoman

He entertained millions of people, but cancer is no respecter of persons. 

Halfpint Turns 49 today

What a brutal match it was

He was one of the best, and a true gentleman. Everybody loved the guy. 

Now that music really speaks to me. 

This dude has sold a ton of records...

Elvis marries Priscilla

Still going strong at 80 years old.

I miss the old days of pro wrestling

I'm so glad we had this time together....

What a beautiful Ball Park

On Temptation and character building for the Christian

I know it is rare, but it could happen

My old friend Chipper Jones turns 41 today

This guy was the Michael Jordan of Horse Racing, and then some. 

I had a crush on her as a kid, and I still think she is gorgeous

It was one of the biggest bombs in marketing history

One of my all time favorites turns 76 today

It is so common now, but it was groundbreaking then

He wrote Red Dawn, and did a re-Write and directed the original Conan the Barbarian. 

He told his wife Nancy, I guess I forgot to duck

Seems like Marlin was always sending Jim down the river

She always said It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men. 

He will always be known as Uncle Jed

It started off as a 5 week mini series

Be careful how you tell a story

Mother of 4 and still a beauty 

Biden say's she is a real bulldog. 

I sort of had a crush on this ol gal...

I sort of had a crush on this ol gal...

Yes they crucified Jesus on this day, and buried him in a tomb

What a great musician.

It seemed like an unlikely Beauty and the Beast story

He's still rockin,,,,

Big George Takes out Kenny Norton

Tom Selleck and I are both Big Fans

He was the best to ever grace the ice.

The Alabama Wild Man

One of the biggest box office flops in history

This aging action star can still do it. 

One day after his announcement, he's back. 

Hey, Make Like  A Statue 

This guy was president on 2 seperate occassions with a 4 year gap in between.

Had he done better at baseball, he would have probably never have come back

He came up short the last couple of times out, but I'll bet he is still doing okay. 

This was one sadistic clown

He is watched by millions

In total 29 young black men and boys were killed over two and a half years

Moses felt unworthy due to his own physical limitations.

Even in disquise, a blond is still a blond....

She was so cute as a little girl on her parents show, now she is a he.

Just think, those born in the last 30 years have no idea about having to decide betwenn leaded and unleaded.

He did more Walking Talls than anybody.

It may have been the pressure of Valentines day coming up, or it may have been Roid Rage.

The Dog Pound is coming back

What a great song. 

Though not as famous as Beyonce, As part of Destiny's Child, Kelly Rowland has sold more than 50 million albums and has the talent to stand on stage with anyone. 

Nobody expected this - Vegas oddsmakers had Tyson as a 20 to 1 favorite.

Before some of you get mad, even most lawyers like a good lawyer joke

The story of the 3 Hebrews shows that our faith and unwillingness to compromise will be rewarded.

A member of the famous wrestling Hart Foundation - His daughter is the Diva Natalya carrying on the tradition.

I guess his Anger Management classes failed him, but for a half million bucks he could dent up my pick up truck any day.

The original series lasted 11 years. The second run came along 13 years later and only lasted 7 episodes.

Who say's there are no Jewish Athletes

Little Samantha is all grown up

What will we sell today

This Canadian Beauty turns 37 today

I was 12 years old -- Oh Man !!!!!!

Be still my heart

It catapulted Ted Turner from a regional highway billboard ad space man, to a mover and shaker in the television industry.

Lord Lets just hope she doesn't wrap up the cat again for Christmas

It came 3 months after allegations that he had made a racially insensitive comment on the air. 

Cat Scratch Fever...Da Da Daaaa

Remember Dangling Chads

I think I saw me a mouse boss.....

In a World of Make Believe, Bruno was the real Deal

Even Jesus, When he had taken on the mantle of man, said not my will but thine be done

Sometimes you have to hear the whole story

People never accepted any actress that replaced Chrissy on Three's Company, and she called those three years the worst of her life.  

A Day That Will Live In Infamy

He was one of my favorite players as a kid and a great middle infielder

Well actually that is not exactly what happened although 38 did hang

Little Malcolm is all grown up now

What and incredible athlete, and one interesting dude.

I loved her in My Cousin Vinnie.

This one actually seemed happy for a long time. Well long time by Liz Taylor standards.

You may remember this woman as the foul mouth lady from the Gong Show

I seem to remember that the elf wanted to be a dentist

I wonder if Chloe O'Brien is still tracking her with Government Satellites

This restriction on personal freedom was suppose to keep us all safer, yet 20 years later with Gun Violence still an issue and Gun Control still a hot topic it seems to prove that no legislation is ever enough.

The King of Memphis Wrestling - Jerry is lucky to still be with us - and we are lucky to have him. 

Even though his teammates sometimes called him Bird Legs, The guy was one of the greatest quarterbacks that ever lived. 

I thought she was one of the great beauties of all time
She also had some of the deepest issues 

What a remarkable dude, in a remarkable time. 

He was married to 3 different white women, in the early 1900's south.  

What a remarkable dude, in a remarkable time. 

He was married to 3 different white women, in the early 1900's south.  

What a remarkable dude, in a remarkable time. 

He was married to 3 different white women, in the early 1900's south.  

An amazing dude whose life ended way too soon

Have Gun Will Travel Reads The Card Of A Man

She is not a tall woman, but she has really long legs

You either loved him or hated him..
Personally, I always enjoyed Cosell. 

Billy Rays Little girl turns 20 today

I have never liked the name Black Friday -It seems to indicate that the time to give Thanks is over, so lets move on. 

She was so cute on Laugh In

If anybody ever deserved it he did

She was known as being a 10 - 

We have added 115 million since that time 

You can't blame a guy for trying

Concerning the rapture of the church

As I recall Bobby Hillwas emamored with this young lady... So was the entire nation.

It would lead to the end of the cold war

Dispite her extreme left wing polical leanings, I enjoy watching her on film.

My how the mighty have fallen

His brother was the poet, Leaping Lanny Poffo...

What a success story

what a brillient and talented lady

It was the first big wave of troops

This young man has come a long way since Ben Steins Money and The Man Show

Kim never regained conciousness, and Mancini was never the same
It was also Prophetic. 

Evidently She and President Teddt Roosevelt had the same motto

This guy was not only a great pitcher, he also must be charmed 

As a kid I loved to watch this guy turn Green

I always loved to watch this guy fight, 
But on the retirement issue, he just couldn't make up his mind. 

What an ageless beauty

We welcomed the beautiful State of Montana into the U.S. 

Well how do you like that

Leave it to a Kennedy to be born on election day

What a great day for America

Unfortunately, I'm not too young to know who Elke Summers is

I guess he just couldn't out run this one

I love this guys music. It's so unique.

Even with his faults I would give a hundred dollars to have him back.

On how to get in touch with God

My sentiment exactly

In this election year there is one thing we should all be able to agree on

While the price of peanut butter trippled

Possibly the most talented Television figure of all time.

I think I'm starting to see a pattern

Now I really do feel old

This happens far to often, still it is fascinating

Another original Angel

On this day the Hitman won his 4th title in a different weigt class.
An unprecedented feat.

She was my favorite angel

This one is for the handful on liberals we have viewing this site..

I really thought this guy went back farther than that

Nowdays theres one on every counter and 2 in every dumpster in America... But it wasn't always that way.

Hello Baaaaabbby.... He left us way too soon

I sure wish I would have had a chance to ride on her, well, except for that one time.

Note to Dwight Yoakum.... Please keep the cowboy hat on

A marshmellow salesman - I didn't know there was such a thing, but it sure makes it hard to sound tough.

I watched this guy turn into a fly once

Personally I liked Jake "The Snake" Roberts better. But not much better

I remember when she was chasing her cat around the White House

Today is the 25th anniversay  of Black Monday

In the age old question Ginger or Mary Ann, for me it was always Mary Ann

He got a candy bar and the name Mr. October

This guys has provided endless hours of laughter and entertainment to me and my family

Another Federal Government program to waste our tax money on...
Why not leave it to the States.

She was hugely popular in the 1980's in the NWA and WCW Pro Wrestling

The world was watching, and praying. 

Not politically correct, but hey , funny is funny

How many of us truly take the time out to seek the Lord

But the Word of God encourages us to do just that 

She wasn't an Angel for long, but she was one of the hottest

It was the narrowest vote of approval ever in the history of the court

She will forever be known for taking a stick to the knee

It killed 17 and injured 39 and was a black eye on the face of America

One of the purest voice in Country Music

It was the beginning of the end of the cold war

This is one for the ladies that follow our site - and those 2 guys in San Francisco
You know who you are. 

What a Payday

First she lived with a bunch of Gorillas, then she went into space and fought some Aliens

Witnesses say as he was pinned in he was heard yelling Whooooo, Whooooo

If this ol girl would have not hogged the plywood skinny little Jack might still be alive.

It was like dejavu all over again

She looked so good as Batgirl

It has been a constant staple ever since

This guy had the whole world twisting

Some danced in the street but most could not believe it

Not a household name - But he wrote and performered possibly the most well known song in popular American history

This happened one month before 75 from Marshall University were killed in a different crash

With the Lord as our strength and power we are not to fear

It seemed like a good idea until the police showed up

Although not a household name, she holds quite a distinction

It may be A Small World After All- But I sure would hate to have to paint it

One of the great beauties of all time

What a nightmare - Everyone knows about the Titanic - But this is a more modern day tragedy

I would have thought it was much older than that.

What an interesting read - And the dynamics and implications could be far reaching

She was so hot as Sarah Conner in the first 2 Terminators

I would have loved to have riden on this baby

I learned something while searching the image file for this ol gal today

I always loved watching this guy run the bases

Here's one for the ladies, and a handful of guys - Yeah, You know who you are.

It is so beautiful, to be so dangerous - I have known a couple of ol girls like that

This guy has scared me more often than my mother in law

I wish I had of been around to see it. 

The Enforcer turns 54 today

It marked the true end of the cold war - and will forever be a testimony to the strength and skills of Ronald Reagan. 

She is the girl that started the skinny craze in modeling and made skinny chic. 

Ahoy Thar Matey's and landlubbers alike

The last time I saw this guy he was sitting in a Diner with his family listening to Journey

His charity was admirable - My question was always why the U.N. 

They All Look About Right To Me

The world cannot understand because they have not first received him.

Her Campy, Sexy Elvira Mistress of the Dark character has taken her a long way

The producers of The Fugitive T.V. show and Movie always denied that this was the inspiration
But I think they just didn't want to share the profits.

Who Shot J.R.  - She Shot J.R. 

I had a neighbor in the early 80's who would rush home every night to watch Mary Baby

This Giant of a man has been in everything from The Wild Wild West, To James Bond's Moonrakker, to Happy Gilmore

Those old boys sure were tough back then

In 1983 she was voted one of the 10 most beautiful women in the world

Here we come, Walking down the street

Its hard to believe that I had a crush on her when I was a little kid

The world changed that day

And he has a pretty nice cadillac dealership here in town too

Inflation, Inflation, Inflation

Who has been seen on the golf course lately with Bruce Jenner

10 minutes to Wapner, 10 minutes to Wapner

You might be a redneck if you know it's Foxworthy's birthday

But he has been very active since

This iconic beauty is gorgeous at any age

They say it's good to be King

This guy was what every broadcaster should aspire to be

I was so embarrased

I was so embarrased

It is not always easy to do with everyone - but through Christ we can.

Taxpayers eventually paid out over 1.6 Billion

I always thought this guy was hysterical 

Like a candle in the wind

From a soldier, to a P.O.W., to a Senator

I bet he felt like a knothead

She stole our hearts withthe song  Blue at Age 14

They were setting up the insanity defense

While we have an Elvis Theme Going

It is widely known that Elvis never really cared for the Beatles... Particullarly as they became more counter culture. He thought of them as long haired unwashed dope smoking hippies.... Still on this night early in their careers, at the urging of his manager, he played host to them.

What a Beautiful talented and Classy Lady

And ever sice then I have been sitting on the couch with a bag of chips

I still enjoy him in re-runs as Heath Barkley

They should have both been home in bed

The word of God is Jesus himself as redemption and Salvation

This is an example of quite wisdom, and revenge

I'm much younger than that and I get winded walking to the refridgerator

This was so tragic

When she was 17 she shot her lovers wife in the head  - Now she's a Movie Star

Well, sort of.  

And it looks so peaceful

He left us way too soon

He carried an air of dignity in life - but he died under very undignified circumstances

You Talkin To Me?

Maybe the best all round to ever play the game

I always thought she was more of a material girl than like a virgin.

He could have been a legend - instead he became a footnote.

She was a plain spoken Southern Lady

The only day I ever felt sorry for Slick Willie...

It is Steve Martins birthday too but who wants to see a picture of him

And it's still around today

One of my favorite jokes involving an Ostrich

Although we are spiritual beings, we are not to neglect our earthly bodies

Has it really been that long

As I remember, toward the end, it just wasn't the same. But none of the great series are.

My favorite Role of his is when he played a cat.

They are so nice that they actually excited me more than anything else that happened today in history

One of the greatest voice of all time, but plagued by personal demons
She left us way too soon 

Cloud cover caused the original target to be scrapped or the devastation would have been much greater.

This is one hard working Lady

Imagine how scary this must have been

Oh Be Still My Heart

He may have had bad teeth, but he was a great General

She brought laughter  and joy to people  around the world.

This may never happen again

If we will only believe and receive

He better use his four wheeler....

Heeeeyyyy  Mr. Wilson.

You can find this video on youtube - Niekro empties his pockets and everything but the kitchen sink fall out... It is so comical

How Ironic, We had his T.V. mom yesterday and now it's little Eddies turn

I guess he really was a Super Freak

Say what you will but Herman Munsters wife was once a hottie

It was the battle of the catchers - Personally I think the guy wearing the equipment has the advantage.

You Rang ?

This turned out to be an awesome deal for the Cards

What an amazing success story

In 37 years they still have not found this guy - Somebody hid him good.

I loved this guy on Coach

Poor Richard Jewell, The media and the law made his life miserable

A Time To Kill, Speed, The Blind Side, I loved her in all of them

A successful modern revolutionary movement was named after this date

An Old Favorite

Shoot Em Elizabeth

Many may make fun and mock but the rapture of the church is scriptural

Why we don't much care for this woman - reason # 217

From a Fly Girl to a Multi Million Dollar Megastar

Billy Martin was such a character

She went from ridicule to redemption

MY wife got us tickets to see her perform for my birthday once

This Guy could sell Hair Spray to Kojack

I bet he knew his money was safe

A Legend Begins

Talk about Robbing the Cradle

He Picks A Mean Mandolin

I can see why he changed his name

Prince Charles left Diana For This Ol Gal

So strange it has to be true, and it is

It makes sense to me.

On Being Prepared for Spiritual Battle

One half of Shake and Bake was born on this day

Stephen King has said it was some of the finest writing in history

I met her a couple of times at NRA Show. Really Pretty, and Really Nice

Ain't This Cool - And we also have some Cool Russian Nagant Snipers from this same era  premiering on Monday

Man I'm getting old, my adolescent crush turns 67 today.

And they also hold a major league record together

I wonder if she ever figured out about Tuna

He flew around Jane Russell in only 2

Our salvation comes not by works or deeds but by Grace and belief on the Lord Jesus Christ

How to out smart a smarty pants

Wonder if he's still in love with Winnie Cooper

Dick Clark was an Icon in American television, and it all started in 1956 when

I'm not sure how old Adrian would have been.

I wonder if Tony will get her a present, Heck, I wonder if they made it out of that Diner

And this was before he found the juice !

I found this so ironic

He got the girl for a while, but he soon lost her, and the ring.
That was one expensive 

Judge not that ye be not judged

I noticed that even when they dye it that color they seem to get that way.
You gotta love Blonds

Who would have thought that cute little freckle faced girl from The Parent Trap would grow up to create so much Drama.

But Americans never really took a liking to Susie B.

Some would say 68 years worth of Crazy

To me if it was not Sean Connery, It was not James Bond - Still

Can you say BaBa WaWa

Maybe that is why he did the Cameo in Happy Gilmore

You've Got 5 Minutes

I'm glad I didn't buy the Pay Per View

18 years as a Yankee and still going strong

This was a scene straight out of a movie.

Now this is just wierd

Much Like The King of Rock, The King of Pop Died too Soon

Much Like The King of Rock, The King of Pop Died too Soon

Bo Jackson was one of the greatest athletes of all time 

I have some friends like that

He was great in O' Brother Where Art Thou

Lizzy Borden took and Ax, and gave her Mother 40 Whacks

Not Bad for 50

This is one High Earning Cat

Some turn to Dr. Spock. I perfer The Great Physician

McCartney and Ebert just keep on going

25 People are Killed

It will bring a tear to your eye

What a pretty girl, but don't call her Arquette

And It Only Took 38 Years

He was beloved as both a singer and an actor... but.

One of the Greatest TV shows in the history of the world...
The Gong Show appears on NBC Television

The Tool Man Turns 59 Today

He lifts a Ton of Weight, Actually Over Three

His big break was drama - In Bonnie and Clyde

First Federal Execution in 38 years

Those boots have been walking a long time now

This guy was a piece of work, or maybe a patsy

Whats New Pussy Cat - Certainly not Tom Jones

Roll Over Beethoven tell the Tax Man the news

The Church Lady turns 57

What a fall from Grace

Marky Mark is 41 Today

Bruce Dern

10 cent Beer Night causes game to be cancelled in Cleveland

A Favorite Son of the South

Maybe if he had known his last name.

Tom Berenger turns 63 today

Shame On You - If it's not what you Think

A Sad Day in Carrotville

Lesson on Humility and Surrender

He won an Academy Award for What Role.

He cleared them all this time, But:

Maybe Warren will take her out to dinner. 

And There is a cool twist to the Story

Willie Mays got off to a somewhat rocky start.

Willie Mays got off to a somewhat rocky start.

Willie Mays got off to a somewhat rocky start.

Wonder if Clint will send a Card?

Was it a Great Punch or a Dive

Boy will this one Make you feel old

She sure was hot B.I.T.D.
( Back In The Day ) 

Just Think of the ramifications. The world would have never had Rock of Love.

As well known for the men in her life as for her beauty and talent

I enjoyed learning a little more about old time heavyweight champ Gene Tunney.
I hope you will too.

Supermodel Naomi Campbell was born on this day in 1970

My memory had failed me on this one. I remembered Carson's last show as the one where Bette Midler Sang to him. 

In  actuallity that was his next to last show.  I really miss Carson. To this day he is still head and shoulders above all of the rest. Here is a retrospective.  

Todays Verse comes from Matthew Chapter 5 verse 16

Two buddies go Bear Hunting

Raymond Burr was born this day in 1917

Jim Corbett and Peter Jackson fight to a 61 round bare knuckle draw

Over The Past Several Years I Have Collected A Number Of Jokes And Ancedotes Sent In By Customers And Other Friends. No Matter How Bad My Day, Reading Some Of This Stuff Always Seems To Lift My Spirits. As Such I Would Like To Share Some Of These With You. While Some Of These May Not Blow Your Skirt UP( I'm Sorry, I Forget The Internet Is World Wide)"A Southern Term Meaning Not Your Cup Of Tea". My Hope Is That Everyone Can Find Something To Enjoy.

Also, While I May Occasionally Post Something That Is Mildly Risque, or Politically Incorrect ( Can't We All Just Get Along). Rest Assured That There Will Never Be Anything On Our Sight That You Wouldn't Want Your Young' uns or Your Mama To See.

Special Thanks To Our Good Friend, Associate, And Fishing Buddy Chuck Allred For Providing So Many Of The Attached Items. If Y'all See Chuck At The Gun Show Tell Him You Read His Name On Our Sight.------- I Hope You Enjoy This Section.

Humor and Inspiration

Proverbs Chapter 17, Verse 22 Say's "A Merry Heart Doeth Good Like A Medicine: But A Broken Spirit Drieth The Bones"

Can't Get Out

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"



Ugly Baby

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: Lady, that is the ugliest baby that I've ever seen." Shocked by his statement the woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down. The man in the seat next to her sees that she is fuming mad and ask her what is wrong. She tells him , "That driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You don't have to take that,
"You go right up there and tell him off ! "
Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."


The Babtism
Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them
They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school
So they went to the nearest church. But, only the janitor was there.
One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"
Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time.
Then he said, "You are now baptized!" When they got outside, one of them asked, "'What religion do you think we are?"
The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you."
"We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water."
"We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you."
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?" They all joined in asking,
'Yeah! What do you think that means?'
The little one says, "I think it means we're Pisskopailians!"


HILLBILLY PARAMEDIC

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.


The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.


As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

 

A BLOND VISITS THE FARM
A young blond lady from the city was driving her convertible through the country and passed a local farm. Seeing the farmer out feeding the animals she decided to stop and ask about them. "Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady? The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'because it's a horse."



An Old Man's Dying Request

An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctors only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate.

His Doctor, His Priest and His Lawyer

Well, today I found out I don't have long to live. So I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. Today, I am going to give each of you and envelope with $50,000 dollars inside.

When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave.

After the man passed on, the 3 people happened to run into each other. The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money, he owed me on lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested."

The Priest said, "I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars for the church. Its all going to a good cause. I did, however, throw the other $25,000 in the grave."

Well the Lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing!
"I am surprised at you two taking advantage of him like that."
" I did the right thing ! "
"I wrote a check for the full amount and threw it all in ! ! !"



Best Dog Story

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired
me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's an unrepentant liar. He never did any of that Stuff.


Grandma's boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

The minister fainted.

FAMOUS PEOPLES ANSWERS TO ONE OF LIFES MOST PUZZLING QUESTIONS.
Why did the chicken cross the road?


BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.


HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.


DICK CHENEY: Where's my shotgun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.


BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?


AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.


DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.


OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.


ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: What?, Did I miss one?

 

THE PREACHER

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this congregation
has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.

This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who
did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.'
No one moved. The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and
admit this is a falsehood?

Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now
stand and confess your transgression.' Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic
rose from the third pew.
Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend there has
been a terrible misunderstanding.. I never said you were a member of the Ku
Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under
the sheets.'

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.


 

An elderly man on a Mo-ped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up
next to a doctor at a street light. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of
car ya got there, sonny ?"

The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty
nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my Moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds
the speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer !

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly,,,, WHOOOOSSSHHH !

Something whips by him going much faster !

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?" the doctor asks himself.

He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, He gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph. He was feeling pretty good until he
looked in his mirror and saw the old man gaining on him AGAIN !

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again!

The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably The old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says: "I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you ?"

The old man whispers,

"YEAH, How bout Unhooking my suspender from your side view mirror."



MY FRIEND RONNIE MARTIN
 
ABOUT 17 YEARS AGO MY WIFE AND I WERE DOING A GUN SHOW IN COLUMBIA S.C. . UPON LEAVING THE SHOW, MY OLD TRUCK BROKE DOWN IN A BAD PART OF DOWNTOWN COLUMBIA. IT WAS POURING RAIN, WE HAD A RICKETY OLD TRUCK FULL OF RIFLES, AND A BABY IN A CAR CARRIER. SHERRY AND I WERE YOUNG AND SCARED AND DIDN'T REALLY KNOW WHAT TO DO. THE GUY YOU SEE ABOVE CAME TO OUR RESCUE. WE DIDN'T KNOW RONNIE, AND HE DIDN'T KNOW US, BUT HE TOOK CARE OF US, HELPED US GET TRANSPORTATION AND SECURE OUR STOCK AND TREATED US LIKE FAMILY. IT WAS THE PERFECT EXAMPLE OF THE GOLDEN RULE IN ACTION AND A REFLECTION ON THE TYPE OF MAN RONNIE IS. I MADE A LIFELONG FRIEND THAT DAY AND RON AND I HAVE KEPT IN TOUCH ON AND OFF EVER SINCE.
RONNIE IS NOW LIVING IN VIRGINIA. HE CALLED ME YESTERDAY AND TOLD ME THAT HE HAS A RECURRANCE OF A CANCER THAT HE HAS BATTLED AND BEATEN ONCE BEFORE. THIS TIME THE PROGNOSIS IS A LITTLE DIMMER AND RON ASKED ME TO TO REMEBER HIM IN PRAYER. I HAVE AND I'M ASKING YOU TO DO THE SAME. RONNIE AND I BOTH BELIEVE THAT WE SERVE A GOD WHO CAN DO ALL THINGS. IF YOU BELIEVE THIS TOO I ASK THAT YOU JOIN US IN PRAYING AND BELIEVING FOR THE HEALING OF MY FRIEND RONNIE MARTIN.

I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY OF YOU ARE FAMILIAR WITH THE RICK AND BUBBA SHOW. RICK AND BUBBA IS A MORNING RADIO SHOW THAT IS SYNDICATED PRIMARILY IN THE SOUTH. RECENTLY RICK BURGESS ( THE RICK OF R & B ) AND HIS WIFE SHERRI LOST THEIR 2 YEAR OLD SON IN A TRAGIC SWIMMING POOL ACCIDENT. I DON'T KNOW THESE FOLKS PERSONALLY BUT AS A FATHER I FIND THIS FAMILIES REACTION TO THIS TRAGIC LOSS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING. AS A CHRISTIAN, I FIND IT REFLECTS A WALK WITH THE LORD AND A WITNESS THAT WE SHOULD ALL STRIVE FOR.
RICK WAS GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY TO OFFER A EULOGY AT HIS SONS MEMORIAL SERVICE. IT CAN BE VIEWED AS A 3 PART SERIES AT THE YOU TUBE WEB SITE LINK ON RICKANDBUBBA.COM. I WAS BOTH BLESSED AND CHALLENGED BY IT. IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO SEE THIS CLICK ON THE SITE BELOW AND GO THERE NOW. ONCE THERE, CLICK ON "A FATHERS HEART.
http://www.rickandbubba.com/



IF YOU THINK THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH A FIREARMS WEBSITE YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. IT IS WAY YONDER MORE IMPORTANT THAN ALL THIS OTHER STUFF.

 

--------------------------------------------------------

Just A Thought, The Real Joke Would Probably Be Watching Me One Finger Type All Of This Stuff Onto The Website.
SAM AND IZZY

Two 90-year old Jewish men, Sam and Izzy, have been friends all of their
lives. When it's clear that Sam is dying, Izzy visits him every day.

One day Izzy says, 'Sam, we both loved baseball all our lives, and we
played minor league ball together for so many years. Please do me one
favor, when you get to Heaven, please, you'll let me know if there's
baseball there.'

Sam looks up at Izzy from his death bed and lovingly says,' Izzy, you've
been my best friend for many years. If it's possible, for you I'll do this
favor.'

Shortly after, Sam passes on. At midnight a few nights later, Izzy is
awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice
calling out to him, 'Izzy--Izzy.'

'Who is it?, asks Izzy sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

The voice responds, 'Izzy -- it's me, Sam.'

'You're not Sam.
Sam just died.'

'Izzy, I'm telling you it's me, Sam,' insists the voice.

'So, Sam! Where are you?' asks Izzy.

'In heaven,' replies Sam. 'I have some good news and a little bad news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' says Izzy.

'The good news is that there's baseball in heaven. Better yet, all our
friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young
again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows.
And listen, best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get
tired.'
That's fantastic,' says Izzy. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the
bad news?'

'You're pitching
Tuesday!'

A High Tech Bar...

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"

The man thought a moment then replied? "A martini please."

The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had. The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"

The man answered "Oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', 'inter stellar space travel', 'the latest medical breakthroughs', etc.......

The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have? "A Martini please."

Again it was superb. The robot again asked, "What is your IQ sir?"

This time the man answered, "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this week end?

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool. Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"??

This time the man drawled out " Uh..... bout 50".

The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,

"A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e g-o-i-n-g t-o n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e H-i-l-l-a-r-y-?



Subject: Amish response

The most remarkable part of this sad story is not what was visible but
what was invisible. The invisible shows the extraordinary character of
these fine people. During this whole process you never saw a finger of
blame being pointed at anyone, including the gunman who took innocent
life from the Amish community. The most you heard was an Amish
spokesman's prepared comments read by a policeman. The comments were
filled with love, understanding and forgiveness for what took place.
Comments that talked about how this man made a bad choice and they
forgive him for making that choice. They didn't blame guns,
politicians, media, society or any of the other normal targets that we
ordinary people look to blame. They didn't blame God or look to make
sense of what is a truly senseless act. They made a choice to live
their faith and trust in God. Knowing full well God loves them and has
forgiven them, in turn they forgive others – even when it means the
loss of something as precious as a child. They chose not to allow hate
to fill their hearts. They know hate produces darkness and eclipses the
light of God in man. They chose to walk in light and not in darkness.
Walking in darkness can only produce more evil, and for the Amish that
wasn't even an option.

Some may suggest that is a sign of weakness, but I know that it is the
sign of ultimate strength. Make no mistake, however; it was a choice.
They could hate and seek revenge. Instead they returned evil with good.
They choose to love and not hate. Their natural reaction was to reach
out to the family of the killer and invite them to the funerals of
their slain children. The Amish have been more concerned about the pain
of the killer's survivors then they are themselves. Perfect love and
forgiveness has sprung forth from this truly extraordinary group of
people.

What a great life lesson we could all receive if we choose to do the
same as we watch Democrats criticize Republicans and Republicans
criticize Democrats. We see no forgiveness from either camp for
mistakes made or poor choices. Instead all we see is the constant
straddling for political advantage. Who can trip up the other versus
trying to heal each other's pain. How elections mean more than truth.
Human decency loses out to advantage and politics.

This week was a rather extraordinary week to me, for I watched
Americans all across this country choose to either be ordinary or
extraordinary. A man chose to walk into a school and kill innocent
kids. A group in D.C. postured and played political gamesmanship to
beat an opponent. They both walk in darkness because their motive is
hate. Then there is a group of folks who chose to be extraordinary
simply by living their faith in a God of love. They didn't blame or
criticize. They didn't look to gain advantage in order to destroy their
opponent. No – they loved and forgave and chose to walk in light.

Some call the Amish old-fashioned. They don't watch TV or listen to the
radio. They don't fill their minds with the toxic waste coming from
Hollywood. They work hard, love their families and love God. I think we
all owe the Amish a collective sense of gratitude, for they have shown
us this week what America could be if we shut off the iPods, turned off
the TV, ignored the agenda-driven media and simply walked in light.
They chose to love and not hate. I can only hope each member on Capitol
Hill and across the nation heard the message coming from Pennsylvania
this week.

To the Amish, I express my heartfelt sorrow and mourning for your loss.
The nation grieves with you. But we also rejoice in knowing your faith
proves to us all there is more than this life. We know those beautiful
young ladies are walking with Moses, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. They
have now spent time with Paul, James, Peter and Silas. They have all
now seen HIS face.

Craig R. Smith is an author, commentator


3-year-old Reese:
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.

I'm having a real good time like I am."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied,

"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home
and I wanted to stay with you guys."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the
Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime.

She would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.

Finally, she decided to go solo.

I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word,
right up to the end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed,
"but deliver us from E-mail.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One particular four-year-old prayed,
"And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put
trash in our
baskets."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the
way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied,
"Because people are sleeping."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother, Joel, were
sitting together in church.
Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.

Finally, his big sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two

men standing by the door?
"They're hushers."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons,Kevin 5, and Ryan
3.

The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
"Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait."
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,

"Ryan, you be Jesus!"


A father was at the beach with his children when the
four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay
dead in the sand.

"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.

"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said,
"Did God throw him back down?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,

"Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BAD PUNS- AND A FEW GOOD ONES.

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

14. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

BUT WAIT -- THERE'S MORE!!

Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron," The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate every little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.

Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!

Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground.

But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more.

In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands on to throw at him.

Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!

The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was Donald Trump.

"Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."

Trump said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!

Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away.

As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets Trump enter.

A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says, "Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died."

Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator......"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE ULTIMATE SALESMAN

A young guy from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big "Everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says
"Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start
tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After
the store was locked up, the ; boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid says "One".

The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30
customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$101,237.65".
The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him
a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod, a tackle box, and fishing line. Then I asked him where he

was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat depar tment and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft, and told him if he didn't want to get lost, he better buy the latest navigational equipment too. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive
department and sold him that 4x4 Lincoln Navigator."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fishhook and you sold
him a BOAT, a TRUCK, and all the rest?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife
and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot anyway, you should go fishing.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they
were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's
work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what
the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,
"They will in a minute."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a

human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human

it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
SOME SPIRITUAL TRUTHS

Be Fishers of Men.... You catch 'em, He'll clean 'em.
A family altar can alter a family.
A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.
Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
Don't wait for six strong men to take you to church.
Exercise daily. Walk with the Lord!
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
Give God what's right, not what's left!
Give Satan an inch and he'll be a ruler.
God doesn't call the qualified; He qualifies the called.
God grades on the cross, not the curve.
God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts."
God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
Having truth decay? Brush up on your Bible!
He who angers you, controls you!
He who is good at making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
He who kneels before God can stand before anyone!
Kindness is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.
Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory capacity.
Never give the devil a ride! He will always want to drive!
Nothing ruins the truth like stretching it
Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
Pray" is a four letter word that you can say anywhere.
Prayer - Don't give God instructions - just report for duty!
The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you
--------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on
her coffee cup.

So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome!

I've won a motorhome!"

The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?"

But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a
motorhome!"

Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're
mistaken.
You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a
prize.

The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!"

And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...

"W I N A B A G E L"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

THE STORY BRELOW IS NOT ABOUT ME,I SWEAR, HONEST INJUN, IT WAS PASSED ALONG TO US. I HOPE YOU ENJOY.

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.

The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done that" paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"

If they only knew!

Why is it that only the women laugh at this?

Hope your week is better than his!!!!!!!!!!

---------------------------------------------------------------------

The Bathtub Test
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the
city and they were in a mall for the first time in
their lives. The father and son were strolling around
while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,
silver walls that could move apart and then slide back
together again. The boy asked, "Paw, what's at?"

The father (never having seen an elevator)
responded, "Son, I dunno. I
ain't never seen anything like that in my entire
life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with
amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up
to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls
opened and the lady rolled between them into a small
room. The walls closed and the boy and his father
watched the small circular number above the walls
light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last
number and then the numbers began to light in the
reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a
gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped
out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young
woman, said quietly to his son,
"Boy..................go git cha Momma

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hey Arabs - Here's Your Letter of Apology !

Author unknown - sentiment shared.

For good and ill, the Iraqi prisoner abuse mess will remain an issue On the one hand, right thinking Americans will abhor the stupidity of the actions while on the other hand, political glee will take control and fashion this minor event into some modern day My Lai massacre.

I heard some Arabs are asking for an apology. I humbly offer mine here:

I am sorry that the last seven times we Americans took up arms and sacrificed the blood of our youth, it was in the defense of Muslims (Bosnia, Kosovo, Gulf War 1, Kuwait, etc.).

I am sorry that no such call for an apology upon the extremists came after
9/11. I am sorry that all of the murderers on 9/11 were Arabs.

I am sorry that Arabs have to live in squalor under savage dictatorships.
I am sorry that their leaders squander their wealth. I am sorry that their governments breed hate for the US in their religious schools.

I am sorry that Yasir Arafat was kicked out of every Arab country and high jacked the Palestinian "cause". I am sorry that no other Arab country will take in or offer more than a token amount of financial help to those same Palestinians.

I am sorry that the USA has to step in and be the biggest financial supporter of poverty stricken Arabs while the insanely wealthy Arabs blame the USA.

I am sorry that our own left wing elite and our media can't understand any of this. I am sorry the United Nations scammed the poor people of Iraq out of the "food for oil" money so they could get rich while the common folk suffered.

I am sorry that some Arab governments pay the families of homicide bombers upon their death. I am sorry that those same bombers are seeking 72 virgins?

I am sorry that the homicide bombers think babies are a legitimate target.

I am sorry that our troops died to free more Arabs. I am sorry they stopped the gang rape rooms and the filling of mass graves of dissidents.

I am sorry they show so much restraint when their brothers in arms are killed. I am sorry that Muslim extremists have killed more Arabs than any other group.

I am sorry that foreign trained terrorists are trying to seize control of Iraq and return it to a terrorist state. I am sorry we don't drop a few dozen Daisy cutters on Fallujah.

I am sorry every time terrorists hide they find a convenient "Holy Site".
I am sorry they didn't apologize for driving a jet into the World Trade Center that collapsed and severely damaged Saint Nicholas Greek Orthodox Church - one of our Holy Sites.

I am sorry they didn't apologize for flight 93 and 175, the USS Cole, the embassy bombings, etc.

I am sorry Michael Moore is American; he could feed a medium sized village in Africa.

I am sorry the French are french?

America will get past this latest absurdity. We will punish those responsible because that is what we do. We hang out our dirty laundry for all the world to see. We move on. That's one of the reasons we are hated so much. We don't hide this stuff like all those Arab countries that are now demanding an apology.

Deep down inside, when most Americans saw this reported in the news, we were like - so what? We lost hundreds and made fun of a few prisoners.

Sure, it was wrong, sure, it dramatically hurts our cause, but until captured we were trying to kill these same prisoners. Now we're supposed to wring our hands because a few were humiliated? Our compassion is tempered with the vivid memories of our own people killed, mutilated and burnt amongst a joyous crowd of celebrating Fallujans.

If you want an apology from this American, you're going to have a long wait. You have a better chance of finding those 72 virgins.

If you are "sorry" also, pass it on!


Here is something EVERY AMERICAN should know.
We in the United States have all heard the haunting song, "Taps."

It's the song that gives us that lump in our throats and usually tears in our eyes.

But, do you know the story behind the song? If not, I think you will be interested to find out about its humble beginnings.

Reportedly, it all began in 1862 during the Civil War, when Union Army Captain Robert Ellicombe was with his men near Harrison's Landing in Virginia.

The Confederate Army was on the other side of the narrow strip of land.
During the night, Captain Ellicombe heard the moans of a soldier who lay severely wounded on the field.

Not knowing if it was a Union or Confederate soldier, the Captain decided to risk his life and bring the stricken man back for medical attention.

Crawling on his stomach through the gunfire, the Captain reached the stricken soldier and began pulling him toward his encampment.

When the Captain finally reached his own lines, he discovered it was actually a Confederate soldier, but the soldier was dead.


The Captain lit a lantern and suddenly caught his breath and went numb with shock. In the dim light, he saw the face of the soldier. It was his own son. The boy had been studying music in the South when the war broke out. Without telling his father, the boy enlisted in the Confederate Army.

The following morning, heartbroken, the father asked permission of his superiors to give his son a full military burial, despite his enemy status. His request was only partially granted. The Captain had asked if he could have a group of Army band members play a funeral dirge for his son at the funeral. The request was turned down since the soldier was a Confederate. But, out of respect for the father, they did say they could give him only one musician. The Captain chose a bugler. He asked the bugler to play a series of musical notes he had found on a piece of paper in the pocket of the dead youth's uniform. This wish was granted.

The haunting melody, we now know as "Taps" .. used at military funerals was born. The words are....

Day is done ... Gone the sun...From the lakes ... >From the hills...From the sky .. All is well .. Safely rest ... God is nigh

Fading light ... Dims the sight ... And a star .. Gems the sky... Gleaming bright .. >From afar .. Drawing nigh ... Falls the night ..


Thanks and praise ... For our days ... Neath the sun . Neath the stars ... Neath the sky ... As we go .. This we know . God is nigh .

I, too, have felt the chills while listening to "Taps" but I have never seen all the words to the song until now. I didn't even know there was more than one verse. I also never knew the story behind the song and I didn't know if you had either so I thought I'd pass it along. I now have an even deeper respect for the song than I did before.

REMEMBER THOSE LOST AND HARMED WHILE SERVING THEIR COUNTRY. And also those presently serving in the Armed Forces..

NOTE- SORRY IF THIS IS A LITTLE MORE RISQUE THAN USUAL, I JUST COULDN'T RESIST.

I SPY

Joe was traveling through Mexico on vacation when, lo and behold,
he lost his wallet and all identification. Cutting his trip short,
he attempts to make his way home but is stopped by the
Customs Agent at the border.

"May I see your identification, please?" asks the agent.

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replies the guy.

"Sure, buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the border,"
says the agent.

"But I can prove that I'm an American!" he exclaims. "I have a picture
of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of
George Bush on the other."

"This I gotta see," replies the agent. With that, Joe drops his pants and
bends over in front of the agent.

"By golly, you're right!" exclaims the agent. "Go on home to Boston."

"Thanks!" Joe says. "But how did you know I was from Boston?"

The agent replies, "I recognized the picture of John Kerry in the middle."


THANKS TO MY FRIEND ARNOLD B. IN S.C. FOR THIS ONE.
Question: How do you tell the difference between Democrats,
>Republicans
> > > and Southern Republicans? The answer can be found by posing the
> > > following
> > > question:
> > >
> > > You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
> > > children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife
comes
> > > around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities,
raises
>the
> > > knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 9 mm, and you are an
>expert
> > > shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
>What
> > > do you do?
> > >
> > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Democrat's Answer:
> > >
> > > Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does
the
>man
> > > look poor or Oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that
would
> > > inspire him to attack? Could we run! away? What does my wife
think?
>What
> > > about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and
knock
>the
> > > knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation?
>Does
> > > the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying
a
> > > loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to
>society
> > > and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing
>me?
> > > Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to
>wound
> > > me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get
>away
> > > while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street
so
> > > deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and
make
> > > this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such
>behavior.
> > > This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends
>for a
> > > few days and try to come to a consensus.

> > >
~ Republican's Answer:
> > >
BANG!

> > >
> > > Southern Republican's Answer:
> > >
> > > BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
>click....(sounds
> > > of reloading). BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG!
> > > click
> > > Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver
Tips??"

Subject: Eagle

America is typically represented by an eagle....

Saddam and Bin Laden should have read up on their Muslim passages...

The following verse is from the Koran, (the Islamic Bible) Koran

Verse 9:11

For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome

Eagle. The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of

Allah and lo,while some of the people trembled in despair, still more

rejoiced; for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah; and

there was peace.

Note the verse number
----------------------------------------------------------
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about
who was better at using the computer. They had been
going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all
the bickering. Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going
to set up a test which will take two hours and it will
judge who does the better job."
> > > > > >
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed
away.

They moused.

They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports.

They sent faxes.

They sent e-mails.

They sent out e-mails with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did some genealogy reports.

They made cards.

They did every known job.

But, ten minutes before the time was up, lightning
suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the
rain poured, and of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every
curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of
them restarted their computers. Satan started
searching, frantically screaming, "It's gone! It's all
gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his
files from the past two hours.

Satan observed this and became even more irate. "Wait!
He cheated! How did he do it??!!"


God shrugged and said, "Jesus Saves."


A blonde police officer pulls over a blonde in a convertible sports car for speeding.
She walks over to the car and asks the blonde driver for some I.D.
The blonde convertible driver searches through her purse in vain.
Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"
The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your picture on it."

The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it, and sure enough sees her picture.
She hands the compact to the blonde cop.
The blonde cop looks at the compact for a few seconds, then rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver, and says,

"If you had told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over, we could have avoided this whole thing!"

The Loan

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan
officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and
needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some
kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a
new Rolls Royce.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title
and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as
collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all
enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as
collateral against a $5,000 loan.


An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's
underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde
returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss,

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight...

Elizabeth Taylor

Mickey Mantle finally receives a $100,000.00 Contract.

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.