MIRACLE CAT
Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc.

The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke.

The tree went 'boing!' and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, 'Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,' and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, 'Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?'
She replied, 'You won't believe this,' and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child
had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, 'Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it.' She told the pastor, 'I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her.'

CLASSIC ARMS ANNOUNCES CURE FOR MAJOR MEDICAL DISORDER
In our search to better serve mankind, I honestly think that Rick and I have found the cure for Anorexia Nervosa
Here is how it all began - we were sitting together at a sports bar one night eating hotwings and fries. They had a Dateline NBC report on the T.V. about a young lady who had a terrible disease called Anorexia. When they interviewed this girl she said that everytime she looked in the mirror, she saw a fat person. When we heard that, the two of us looked across the bar into the mirror and we both saw fat people. That's right, everyone else looked normal, but the two of us appeared fat.
The first sure symptom of the dreaded Anorexia Nervosa
Well, we decided that not only could we not let that happen to us, but we also had to protect as many
poor innocent souls as possible who didn't have the disease but actually were becoming obese.
We put our heads together and came up with a plan.
We decided to don costumes and set out to save the world one buffet bar at a time,
while at the same time fighting our own phycological disorder.
Yes Rick and I have taken on the unlikely role of Superheroes. Dressed as our Alter egos, Fatman and Rolaid,
we spend our nights crusing the streets in our souped up Fatmobile, staving off our own Anorexia,
while enforcing Michelle Obamas new smaller portions aganda for those of you who are truely in need.

-
We troll the All you can Eat Buffet Bars, pushing potential victims away and gobbling up as much as possible in order to keep others from facing obesity. Our motto is every hot wing we eat, is one less on the street. We don't want your praise.
Just knowing that we are protecting America, is Thanks enough.

Watch for Fatman and Rolaid, coming soon to a Golden Corral near you.

Consultation Fees

A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.
Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.

The Bronze Statues

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking
through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing. St. Peter greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"


A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $700,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why would you think I would give any to you?"

THE CONSIDERATE BAGPIPER

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a
grave side service for a homeless man.
He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery
in the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man
I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy
had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly
and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked
down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and
soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all
wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.
Though my head hung low my heart was full.

As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin'
like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.

One day Little Johnny's mom was cleaning his room. In the closet, she found a bondage S&M magazine.
This was highly upsetting to her. She hid the magazine until his father got home.
When Little Johnny's father walked in the door, she irately handed the magazine to him, and said,
"THIS is what I found in "your" son's closet."
He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word. Several minutes passed, then she finally asked him,
"Well what should we do about this?"

Little Johnny's dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I am so tired of chardonay.'



Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

The Parking Ticket
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example,
the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out
a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving
a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started
writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So my wife called him a poop-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and the car had an Obama sticker.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
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Painting the Church

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey Macgregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings..
Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.
So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine..
Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint..

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried: "Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke.

"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

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There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the
Tickle Me Elmo toys.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee..

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs...

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday....'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drove his new Ford Excursion into an Irish gas station. An attendant greeted him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro was.

Top of the mornin' to ya!" the Irishman smiled, doffing his cap.

As Tiger got out of the mammoth vehicle, two tees fell out of his pocket.
"So what are those, lad?" asked the attendant.
"They're called tees," replied Tiger.
"And what would ya be usin' 'em for, now?" inquired the Irishman.
"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," said Tiger.

"AW! Jumpin Jehousafat and Saints be Praised ," exclaimed the Irish attendant.
"Those fellas at FORD think of everything!"

A Lawyer at the Pearly gates
A lawyer died and was standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter said, “you can’t come in here… you have to go to the other place.”

But the lawyer was really good and pleaded his case to the point where St. Peter finally said, “OK… here’s what I’ll do. You will spend the same amount of time in hell as you did on earth, and then you can spend the rest of eternity up here.”

The lawyer figured this wasn’t too bad of a deal, so he agreed.

St. Peter said, “Great… I’ll see you in 350 years.”

“But, how is that possible… I’m only 65 years old!”

St Peter said, “We go by billing hours.”.

The couple was 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich they managed to get by because they
watched their pennies and they both were in very good health for their age, largely do to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise
for the last decade. One day they went on a rare vacation and both were killed in a plane crash.

An angel escorted them in heaven. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a
beautiful waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when
he said, "Welcome to heaven. This will be your home now." The old man asked the angel how much this will cost. "Why nothing," the angel
replied, "remember, this is one of your rewards in heaven."

The old man looked out in the back window and right there he saw a champion golf course, finer than anyone built on earth.
"What are the green fees?" asked the old man.
"This is heaven," the angel said, "You can play for free, every day."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to
exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," Said the angel, "this is heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

"Well where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated
tea?" he asked.

"That is the best part," the angel replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like, and you will never grow fat or sick. This is Heaven!"

The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"

"Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...?"

"Never again. All you do here is enjoy the goodness of God and His
graciousness."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins.
We could have been here ten years ago!"

The Scrotum Prayer

The pastor asked if a anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered
prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have praise. Two months ago, my husband Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck

and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the Doctors

didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the

pain that poor Tom experienced.
She continued, "Tom was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him

terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to
piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

She continued, "Now, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum

should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.
A man rose and walked to the podium.

He said, "Hi, I'm Tom. And I want to tell my wife, the word is STERNUM."

An elderly man in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years. He
had a beautiful large pond at the back of the property next to the road, and
he'd fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe pits, and he'd
planted some nice flowers and fruit trees next to the pond.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it
over, as he hadn't been down there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon
bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard splashing and female voices shouting and
laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw that 5 young women had
parked their car at the side of the road, climbed the fence and were
skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and
they all went hurriedly splashing to the deep end. One of the women
shouted to him, 'We're naked and we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned and yelled back, 'I didn't come down here to watch
you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm just here to feed the alligator.'

Miss Beatrice

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a
cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ,
keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!'

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on

a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim,

I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.' !!

AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom
mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to
her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near
perfect.'
And then the fight started......
--------- --------- --------- --------- -----
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of
Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at
night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....
--------- --------- --------- --------- -----
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt
look big.
I told her not as much as the dress she wore
yesterday
And then the fight started.....
--------- --------- --------- --------- -----
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent
babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud
noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and
yelled at the man
'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked
jumped out the window.
He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a
thorn bush and to his car as
Fast as he could go. A few minutes later he
returned and went up to the bedroom
And screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you
running?'
And then the fight started.....


My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was
flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
--------- --------- --------- --------- -----
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our
upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something
shiny that goes from 0 to 180 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
--------- --------- --------- --------- -----
After retiring, I went to the Social Security
office to apply for Social Security. The woman
behind the counter asked me for my driver's
license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets
and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told
the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened
my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me' and she processed my Social
Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You
might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started....
--------- --------- --------- --------- -----
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high
school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken
lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'she’s my old girlfriend. I
understand she took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person
could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- ---------
I took my wife to a French restaurant. The waiter,
for some reason, took my order first..
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...


The Paint Can
A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for an entire month." The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying, and the husband obviously was very depressed. "You are back so soon..Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.. "We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain fromsex for the required month," the young man replied sadly. The pastor asked him what happened. "Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. The third week, however, was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, or anything to keep our minds free of carnal thoughts. But one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly. "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "We know," said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Lowe's, either."
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Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat... Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.' As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors... 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'

EXCERCISE FOR THE OLDER CROWD
( IT SOUNDS RIDICULOUS BUT I HAVE BEEN FOLLOWING THIS PROGRAM FOR ABOUT A YEAR NOW AND I THINK IT REALLY WORKS )

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks,you should be able to move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags. It may be a struggle at first but if you have been persistant and keep a positive attitude you can do it.
It may take several months, but with hard work you will eventually get to where you can lift a
100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
(I'm at this level now.)

After you feel confident at that level, try putting a potato in each bag.

BE CAREFUL WHERE YOU STEP

Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says,
'We only have one rule here in heaven:
don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough,
there are ducks all over the place..
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,
and although they try their best to avoid them,
the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says,
'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to
spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day,
the second woman steps accidentally on a duck
and along comes St. Peter,
who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together
with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained
for all eternity to an ugly man, is very,
VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months
without stepping on any ducks,
but one day St.Peter comes up to her
with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
.... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says,
'I wonder what I did to deserve being
chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says,
'I don't know what you did
but I stepped on a duck.'

DO YOU KNOW THE FRONT FROM THE BACK OF A TREE??

A REDNECK FROM GEORGIA DECIDES TO TRAVEL ACROSS THE SOUTH TO VIRGINIA TO SEE GOD'S COUNTRY. WHEN HE GETS TO FRANKLIN, NC , HE LIKES THE PLACE SO MUCH THAT HE DECIDES TO STAY. BUT FIRST HE MUST FIND A JOB!!!!

HE WALKS INTO THE INTERNATIONAL PAPER COMPANY OFFICE AND FILLS OUT AN APPLICATION AS AN EXPERIENCED LOG INSPECTOR. IT'S HIS LUCKY DAY!!! THEY JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE, BUT FIRST, THE LOG FOREMAN TAKES HIM FOR A RIDE INTO THE FOREST IN THE COMPANY PICKUP TRUCK TO SEE HOW MUCH HE KNOWS.

THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT A TREE "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT SPECIES IT IS AND HOW MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS."

THE REDNECK PROMPTLY ANSWERS, "THAT THAR'S A WHITEPINE, 383 BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IN 'ER."

THE FOREMAN IS IMPRESSED!!! HE PUTS THE TRUCK IN MOTION AND STOPS ABOUT A MILE DOWN THE ROAD. HE POINTS AT ANOTHER TREE THROUGH THE PASSENGER WINDOW AND ASKS THE SAME QUESTION. THIS TIME, IT'S A BIGGER TREE OF A DIFFERENT CLASS.

"THAT'S A LOBLOLLY PINE AND SHE'S GOT ABOUT 456 CLEAR BOARD FEET."

THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED WITH THE GOOD OL' BOY, HE HAS BEEN QUICK AND GOT THE ANSWERS RIGHT WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR!!!!

ONE MORE TEST. THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD, AND THE FOREMAN STOPS AGAIN. THIS TIME, HE POINTS ACROSS THE ROAD THROUGH HIS DRIVER SIDE WINDOW AND SAYS, "AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?"

BEFORE THE FOREMAN FINISHES POINTING, THE REDNECK SAYS, "WHITE OAK, 242 BOARD FEET AT BEST."

THE FOREMAN SPINS THE TRUCK AROUND AND HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE A LITTLE TICKED OFF BECAUSE HE THINKS THE RED NECK IS SMARTER THAN HE IS. AS THEY NEAR THE OFFICE, ANOTHER FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS BUBBA TO STEP OUTSIDE.

HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND TELLS HIM, "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE?" " I WANT YOU TO MARK AN X ON THE FRONT OF THAT TREE!!"

THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, "IDIOT, HOW WOULD HE KNOW WHICH IS THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"

WHEN BUBBA REACHES THE TREE, HE GOES AROUND IT IN A CIRCLE WHILE LOOKING AT THE GROUND. HE THEN REACHES UP AND PLACES A WHITE X ON THE TRUNK.

HE WALKS BACK TO THE FOREMAN AND HANDS HIM THE CHALK. "THAT THAR'S THE FRONT," THE REDNECK SAYS.

THE FOREMAN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AND ASKS SARCASTICALLY, "HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT'S THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"

THE GOOD OL' BOY LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET, WHILE RUBBING THE TOE OF HIS LEFT BOOT CLEANING IT IN THE GRAVEL AND REPLIES,
"CUZ SOMEBODY WENT AND POOP'D BEHIND IT!"

HE GOT THE JOB AND IS NOW THE FOREMAN!!!!!


The Kiss

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you'

She answers, ' My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I
am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
hear just about everything. I' m sure that there's nothing you could
say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that -but first I have two conditions
1) you have to be single and 2) you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' said the nun! , why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party!'

LOTS OF PUN.
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan. ' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen
Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

Mental Health Outsourcing

I was so depressed last night, I called the Suicide Hotline.

My call was outsourced to a call center in Iraq .

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Chivalry In The Air
As told by Jim Brodie
For Military Appreciation Day
Florida House of Representatives
April 19,2007

I would like to tell you a story.

A true story of Chivalry, Gallantry, Courage and Compassion.

I hope you will enjoy it and share it with the special people in your life.

At Dawn on the morning of December 20, 1943, American Army Lieutenant Charlie Brown piloted his B-17 bomber into formation and joined nearly 400 others from the 8th Air Force in England to bomb a German fighter factory in Bremen. It was his first mission as pilot in command of this 30 ton 4 engine heavy.

Charlie was 21 years old. His crew of ten were all in their late teens and early twenties. They had worked together and they had trained together…they were more than a crew… they were a team.

The bomber stream crossed the North Sea with American P-47 fighters as escorts. The fighters would stay with them for as long as they had range. But when the fighters turned back to refuel the bombers were on their own.

As they crossed the German coast they were attacked by defending ME 109 fighters.

The Messerschmitt ME 109 fighter was a world class, single engine aircraft, …fast, maneuverable and deadly … armed with machine guns and cannon. The two forces clashed and fought all the way to the outskirts of Bremen. During the action Charlie’s bomber sustained numerous hits wounding several of the crew and knocking out one engine. They were able to stay with the formation but as they approached the target, German anti-aircraft guns opened up. Charlie’s plane was hit again, destroying the Plexiglas nose and wounding the bombardier.

They could have turned back,
they should have turned back
but that’s not what THIS crew was all about.

They stayed with the mission and dropped their bombs directly on the target.

They were unable to keep up with the formation as it turned back toward England.

Alone as a straggler they were an easy target. Once again the German fighters attacked. Machine gun and cannon fire tore through the airplane.

The American gunners fought back bravely …all 10 machine guns blazing. Charlie flying his bomber directly into the oncoming Germans as if it were a fighter, employing tactics no bomber was built for.

The one sided battle lasted far longer than anyone could have expected, one German fighter destroyed, another probable…but the flying fortress and the crew were being shredded…Charlie was hit in the right arm.

At 25 thousand feet the controls of a second engine were shot away and the bomber’s oxygen supply was destroyed. Without oxygen the crew and pilot lost consciousness and the bomber spiraled toward earth 5 miles below.

The Germans scored it as another kill and raced off after the main bomber formation. Charlie’s B-17 continued its lumbering death spiral.
Miraculously the out of control bomber was spiraling slowly enough that the pilot regained consciousness in time to get control of the airplane and leveled off at 150 feet.

Charlie ordered his co-pilot to prepare the crew to bail out if he could get enough altitude for the parachutes to open. The co-pilot came back and told him of the dead and wounded crew and the horribly damaged airplane. They were in no condition to bail out.

Charlie replied, “that’s okay, I can’t get any altitude anyway”,…throw everything overboard to lighten the load”…parachutes, life rafts, machine guns. A third engine was now acting up.

As they flew, their course took them, unknowingly, over a Luftwaffe fighter base.

On the ground German fighter Ace, Lt. Franz Stigler was having his Messerschmitt fighter re-armed and re-fueled. He had already shot down two of the American bombers that morning adding to his long list of what would be 28 aerial victories.

He could not believe his luck, here was another target and he went off to bag number three for the day which would surely earn him the Knight’s Cross presented by the Furher himself!

As Franz sped toward his target his experience told him to do it just right, even though this American was alone and a straggler, he had been shot down by B17’s before and he had the wounds to show for it.

As he approached from the rear Franz noticed how low and how strangely the bomber was flying. The closer he got the more amazed he was that it was flying at all.

It was terribly shot up. He determined he would get as close as possible…..his 30 mm cannon and machine guns ready…..his finger on the trigger. As soon as the tail gunner would raise his guns Franz would blow them out of the sky and go home a hero….once again.

Closer….still closer….yet, no reaction from the crippled bomber. The much faster fighter flew by in a wide arc without firing. Franz noticed the tail gunner was dead… blood was everywhere.

He saw the courageous American crew struggling to save their comrades and a valiant young pilot trying to keep his airplane flying.

As the German fighter passed, them the entire crew was horrified. They were helpless; they were doomed…and they knew it…they were all about to die.

The defender of the Reich circled back, still in amazement that this bomber could remain airborne. He approached again and did not fire. This time slowing down enough to fly in formation on Charlie’s right wing.

Charlie, bleeding from his wound looked in horror, could not believe what he was seeing. The two 20 something warriors stared at each other, each other, each taking the measure of the other airman…the planes just a few feet apart.

He signaled Charlie to drop his landing gear, land in Germany and surrender. Charlie, either not understanding, or still groggy, just glared back. He refused to give up his ship on his first mission as pilot in command.

Again, Franz, using hand signals, ordered the American pilot to land and be taken prisoner. Charlie refused.

Franz thought to himself, “I can’t murder this brave but helpless crew and their “cowboy ” pilot, but we are still way inside Germany and if I leave them alone they will be dropped by the next fighter or flak gun”.

So, in an act of great compassion and chivalry and risking facing a firing squad, German Lt. Franz Stigler escorted American Lt. Charlie Brown’s bomber to the North Sea coast. He pointed toward England…then he saluted, said “happy birthday cowboy” rolled his fighter into a hard right turn and headed back to base never to breathe a word of what had happened.

He flew an incredible 480 combat missions… was credited with 28 victories and 40 more probables. He survived bring shot down 17 times.

Charlie and the crew were in total disbelief. This gallant German knight had given them life. They continued across the North Sea, crash landing on the coast of England.

Charlie continued to serve his country throughout the war flying 30 more combat missions over Germany and retired from the Air Force as a Lt. Colonel. He and his crew related their story to the Army brass and were told, “Bury it”, your mission is classified Secret “we are at war, son… there are no gallant Germans”. But Charlie and the crew never forgot the chivalrous airman who gave them back their lives.

That should be the end of the story…but it’s not.

Forty five years later in 1988, Charlie attended a reunion of his WWII bomber squadron and told his story. Fifty seven children and grandchildren had been born to the surviving crew of Charlie’s bomber. The press was there and a reprint of the story was eventually published in a German fighter pilot’s magazine.

A year later, in December of 1989, Charlie received a five page type written letter postmarked Surrey, British Columbia. In the letter was a precise description of the air action over Bremen Germany on December, 20 1943…details that only Charlie knew, such as aircraft markings, time of day, precise battle damage and even the wave salute.

Charlie couldn’t believe it; how could this be possible? He was suspicious, but the details were accurate, the same story told from a totally different perspective. He telephoned Canada; for an hour the two spoke; every detailed was described. Charlie and his wife Jackie flew to British Columbia and met Franz and his wife Helga. In the airport in Canada the two old warriors, now in their 70’s, once again came face to face. They stared at each other; fears and memories that had been locked away came rushing back. With tears in their eyes they embraced.

Franz said, “Happy Birthday Cowboy”, for it was December 20th, 1989.

Franz and Charlie have remained friends ever since and have become as close as brothers.

TWO MORE GOOD STORIES

STORY NUMBER ONE

Many years ago, Al Capone virtually owned Chicago.
Capone wasn't famous for anything heroic. He was notorious for enmeshing the windy city in everything from bootlegged booze and prostitution to murder.

Capone had a lawyer nicknamed "Easy Eddie." He was his lawyer for a good reason. Eddie was very good! In fact, Eddie's skill at legal maneuvering kept Big Al out of jail for a long time.

To show his appreciation, Capone paid him very well. Not only was the money big, but also, Eddie got special dividends. For instance, he and his family occupied a fenced-in mansion with live-in help and all of the conveniences of the day. The estate was so large that it filled an entire Chicago City block.

Eddie lived the high life of the Chicago mob and gave little consideration to the atrocity that went on around him. Eddie did have one soft spot, however. He had a son that he loved dearly.

Eddie saw to it that his young son had clothes, cars, and a good education.
Nothing was withheld. Price was no object. And, despite his involvement with organized crime, Eddie even tried to teach him right from wrong. Eddie wanted his son to be a better man than he was. Yet, with all his wealth and influence, there were two things he could not give his son; he could not
pass on a good name or a good example.

One day, Easy Eddie reached a difficult decision. Easy Eddie wanted to rectify wrongs he had done. He decided he would go to the authorities and tell the truth about Al "Scarface" Capone, clean up his tarnished name, and offer his son some semblance of integrity.

To do this, he would have to testify against The Mob, and he knew that the cost would be great. So, he testified.

Within the year, Easy Eddie's life ended in a blaze of gunfire on a lonely Chicago Street . But in his eyes, he had given his son the greatest gift he had to offer, at the greatest price he could ever pay. Police removed from his pockets a rosary, a crucifix, a religious medallion, and a poem clipped from a magazine.

The poem read:
The clock of life is wound but once,
And no man has the power
To tell just when the hands will stop
At late or early hour.
Now is the only time you own.
Live, love, toil with a will.
Place no faith in time.
For the clock may soon be still.

______________________________________
STORY NUMBER TWO

World War II produced many heroes. One such man was Lieutenant Commander Butch O'Hare. He was a fighter pilot assigned to the aircraft carrier Lexington in the South Pacific. One day his entire squadron was sent on a mission.

After he was airborne, he looked at his fuel gauge and realized that someone had forgotten to top off his fuel tank .

He would not have enough fuel to complete his mission and get back to his ship. His flight leader told him to return to the carrier. Reluctantly, he dropped out of formation and headed back to the fleet.

As he was returning to the mother ship he saw something that turned his blood cold: a squadron of Japanese aircraft were speeding their way toward the American fleet. The American fighters were gone on a sortie, and the fleet was all but defenseless. He could not reach his squadron and bring
them back in time to save thefleet. Nor could he warn the fleet of the approaching danger.

There was only one thing to do. He must somehow divert them from the fleet.
Laying aside all thoughts of personal safety, he dove into the formation of Japanese planes.

Wing-mounted 50 caliber's blazed as he charged in, attacking one surprised enemy plane and then another.

Butch wove in and out of the now broken formation and fired at as many planes as possible until all his ammunition was finally spent.

Undaunted, he continued the assault. He dove at the planes, trying to clip a wing or tail in hopes of damaging as many enemy planes as possible and rendering them unfit to fly. Finally, the exasperated Japanese squadron took off in another direction.

Deeply relieved, Butch O'Hare and his tattered fighter limped back to the carrier.

Upon arrival, he reported in and related the event surrounding his return.
The film from the gun-camera mounted on his plane told the tale. It showed the extent of Butch's daring attempt to protect his fleet. He had, in fact, destroyed five enemy aircraft.

This took place on February 20, 1942 , and for that action Butch became the Navy's first Ace of W.W. II, and the first Naval Aviator to win the Congressional Medal of Honor.

A year later Butch was killed in aerial combat at the age of 29.

His home town would not allow the memory of this WW II hero to fade, and today, O'Hare Airport in Chicago is named in tribute to the courage of this great man.

So, the next time you find yourself at O'Hare International, give some thought to
visiting Butch's memorial displaying his statue and his Medal of Honor.

It is located between Terminals 1 and 2.
********************************************
SO WHAT DO THESE TWO STORIES HAVE TO DO WITH EACH OTHER?

Butch O'Hare was "Easy Eddie's" son.

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question
and tapped him on the shoulder.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plateglass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.' The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab................... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.

Little Suzy had a box of very small kittens that she was trying to give
away, so she had them out on the street corner with a sign "FREE KITTENS" next to them.

Suddenly a big line of big black cars came up with a policeman on a
motorcycle in front.

The cars all stopped and a tall man stepped out from the biggest car.

"Hi, little girl, what do you have there in the box?" he asked.

"Kittens" Little Suzy says. "They're so small, their eyes are not
even open yet, and I have to take care of them"

"What kind of kittens are they?" he asked.

"Democrats" says Little Suzy.

The tall man smiled, returned to his car and they drove away.

Sensing a good photo opportunity, Sen. Obama called his campaign
manager and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

It was planned that they would return the next day, have all the
media there and tell everyone about these great kittens.

The next day, Little Suzy is standing out on the corner with her box
of kittens with the "FREE KITTENS" sign and the big motorcade of
black cars pulled up with all the vans and trucks from ABC, NBC, CBS
and CNN.

Everyone had their cameras ready and then, Sen. Obama got out of his
limo and walked up to Little Suzy.

"Now, don't be frightened," he said, "I just want you to tell all
these nice news people just what kind of kittens you're giving away
today."

"Yes sir," Suzy said, "The are all REPUBLICAN kittens."

Taken by surprise, Sen. Obama said, "But yesterday, you told me that
they were DEMOCRATS."

Little Suzy says, "Yes, I know. But today, they have their eyes open."

JOHN'S EGG BUSINESS
John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch And fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover. To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

The moral of the story.

Vote carefully this year, the bells are not always audible.

GRANDMA STILL DRIVES!!!
Grandma's letter. She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.
She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma

THE RANCH HAND

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other was a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided
to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked hard , and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great.
You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

'Now take off my boots.'

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks.'

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.

'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous
blond sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat
down but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of
its socket towards the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands
it back.
Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye
back in
place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go
to the
theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her
deepest
dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to
come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast! .
They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet
meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed! Everything had been SO incredible! !! !
"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you
this nice to every guy you meet? No, " she replies. . . . . . . .

"You just happened to catch my eye. "


A ROOSTER NAMED RALPH

A farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Ralph. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Ralph the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Ralph

The farmer takes Ralph home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money."

Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Ralph seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Ralph takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Ralph nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.

After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Ralph is in there.

Later, the farmer sees Ralph after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Ralph out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Ralph on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Ralph, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Ralph opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhhh! They're getting closer."

No sacred cows on this site. A few jokes about senior citizens as sent in by a quasi-senior citizen (i.e.old dude) Chuck Allred. Check out Chucks fishing site at im4fishn.com
------------------------------------------------------------

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to
report that her car has been broken into. She is
hysterical as she explains her situation to the
dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering
wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she
cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on
the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
"Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by
mistake.

----------------------------------
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a
nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of
her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an
elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she
said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and
finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
-------------------------------------
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the
retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air
and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can
have their way with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the
rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute
and says, "Close enough."
--------------------------------------------
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both
could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising
along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was
red, but they just went on through. The woman in the
passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I
could have sworn we just went through a red light." After
a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and
the light was red again. Again, they went right through.
The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the
light had been red but was really concerned that she was
losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very
close attention to the road and the next intersection. At
the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and
they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman
and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through
three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

> FW: An Email from a Captain in Iraq

> We knew there was a dinner planned with ambassador Bremer and LTG Sanchez. There were 600 seats available and all the units in the division were tasked with filling a few tables. Naturally, the 501st MI battalion got our table. Soldiers were grumbling about having to sit through another dog-and-pony show, so we had to pick soldiers to attend. I chose not to go.

> But, about 1500 the G2, LTC Devan, came up to me and with a smile, asked me to come to dinner with him, to meet him in his office at 1600 and bring a camera. I didn't really care about getting a picture with Sanchez or Bremer, but when the division's senior intelligence officer asks you to go, you go.

>We were seated in the chow hall, fully decorated for thanksgiving when aaaaallllll kinds of secret service guys showed up. That was my first clue, because Bremer's been here before and his personal security detachment is not that big. Then BG Dempsey got up to speak, and he welcomed ambassador Bremer and LTG Sanchez. Bremer thanked us all and pulled out a piece of paper as if to give a speech. He mentioned that the President had given him this thanksgiving speech to give to the troops.

>He then paused and said that the senior man present should be the one to give it. He then looked at Sanchez, who just smiled. Bremer then said that we should probably get someone more senior to read the speech.

>Then, from behind the camouflage netting, the President of the United States came around. The mess hall actually erupted with hollering. Troops bounded to their feet with shocked smiles and just began cheering
with all their hearts. The building actually shook. It was just unreal. I was absolutely stunned. Not only for the obvious, but also because I was only two tables away from the podium. There he stood, less than thirty feet away from me! The cheering went on and on and on.

> Soldiers were hollering, cheering, and a lot of them were crying. There was not a dry eye at my table. When he stepped up to the cheering, I could clearly see tears running down his cheeks. It was the most surreal moment I've had in years. Not since my wedding and Aaron being born. Here was this man, our President, came all the way around the world, spending 17 hours on an airplane and landing in the most dangerous airport in the world, where a plane was shot out of the sky not six days before.

> Just to spend two hours with his troops. Only to get on a plane and spend another 17 hours flying back. It was a great moment, and I will never forget it. He delivered his speech, which we all loved, when he looked right at me and held his eyes on me. Then he stepped down and was just mobbed by the soldiers.

>He slowly worked his way all the way around the chow hall and shook every last hand extended. Every soldier who wanted a photo with the President got one. I made my way through the line, got dinner, then wolfed it down as he was still working the room. You could tell he was really enjoying himself. It wasn't just a photo opportunity. This man was actually enjoying himself! He worked his way over the course of about 90 minutes towards my side of the room.

> Meanwhile, I took the opportunity to shake a few hands. I got a picture with Ambassador Bremer, Talabani (acting Iraqi president) and Achmed Chalabi (another member of the ruling council) and Condaleeza Rice, who was there with him.

> I felt like I was drunk. He was getting closer to my table so I went back over to my seat. As he passed and posed for photos, he looked my in the eye and said "How you doin', captain." I smiled and said "God bless you, sir." To which he responded, "I'm proud of what you do, captain." Then moved on.

Submitted by Brian J - SeadogBytes

Years ago a hardworking man took his family from New York State to Australia to take advantage of a work opportunity there. Part of this man's family was handsome young son who had aspirations of joining the circus as a trapeze artist or an actor. This young fellow, biding his time until a circus job or even one as a stagehand came along, worked at the local shipyards which bordered on the worst section of town.

Walking home from work one evening this young man was attacked by five thugs who wanted to rob him. Instead of just giving up his money the young fellow resisted. However they bested him easily and proceeded to beat him to a pulp.

They mashed his face with their boots, and kicked and beat his body brutally with clubs, leaving him for dead. When the police happened to find him lying in the road they assumed he was dead and called for the Morgue Wagon.

On the way to the morgue a policeman heard him gasp for air, and they immediately took him to the emergency unit at the hospital. When he was placed on a gurney a nurse remarked to her horror, that this young man no longer had a face. Each eye socket was smashed, his skull, legs, and arms fractured, his nose literally hanging from his face, all his teeth were gone, and his jaw was almost completely torn from his skull.

Although his life was spared he spent over a year in the hospital. When he finally left, his body may have healed, but his face was disgusting to look at. He was no longer the handsome youth that everyone admired. When the young man started to look for work again, he was turned down by everyone just on account of the way he looked. One potential employer suggested to him that he join the freak show at the circus as The Man Who Had No Face..

And he did this for a while. He was still rejected by everyone and no one wanted to be seen in his company. He had thoughts of suicide. This went on for five years.

One day he passed a church and sought some solace there. Entering the church he encountered a priest who had saw him sobbing while kneeling in a pew.

The priest took pity on him and took him to the rectory where they talked at length. The priest was impressed with him to such a degree that he said that he would do everything possible for him that could be done to restore his dignity and life, if the young man would promise to be the best Catholic he could be, and trust in God's mercy to free him from his torturous life. The young man went to Mass and communion every day, and after thanking God for saving his life, asked God to only give him peace of mind and the grace to be the best man he could ever be in His eyes.

The priest, through his personal contacts was able to secure the services of the best plastic surgeon in Australia. They would be no cost to the young man, as the doctor was the priest's best friend. The doctor too was so impressed by the young man, whose outlook now on life, even though he had experienced the worst, was filled with good humor and love.

The surgery was a miraculous success. All the best dental work was also done for him. The young man became everything he promised God he would be.

He was also blessed with a wonderful, beautiful wife, and many children, and success in an industry which would have been the furthest thing from his mind as a career, if not for the goodness of God and the love of the people who cared for him. This he acknowledges publicly.

The young man was and is ...

Mel Gibson.

His life was the inspiration for his production of the movie "The Man Without a Face." He is to be admired by all of us as a God-fearing man, a political conservative, and an example to all as a true man of courage.

And to think I admired him before I knew any of this! He is quite a man!

Paul Harvey

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman Pinscher, and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink." The one with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand; this is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua figured convincing him a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be too far fetched, but thought 'what the heck', so she put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again, the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The one with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua?! They gave me a stinking Chihuahua???!!

* Your last name stays put.
* The garage is all yours.
* Wedding plans take care of themselves.
* Chocolate is just another snack.
* You can be president.
* You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
* Car mechanics tell you the truth.
* The world is your urinal.
* You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's
just ''too icky.''
* Same work, more pay.
* Wrinkles add character.
* Wedding dress--$5,000.00, tux rental--$100.00
* People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
* The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
* New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
* One mood, ALL THE TIME.
* Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
* You know stuff about tanks.
* A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
* You can open all your own jars.
* You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
* If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still
be your friend.
* Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
* Everything on your face stays its original color.
* Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
* You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a
bolt.
* You almost never have strap problems in public.
* You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
* You don't have to shave below your neck.
* Your belly usually hides your big hips.
* One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
* You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
* You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
* You can shop for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

An elderly gentleman of 85 feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem

"Here's what you do," said the doctor, "start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for supper?"

No response.

So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?" Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?"

Again he gets no response so he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?"

Again there is no response, so he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"

(I just love this!)

Dang it Harold, for the fourth time, CHICKEN!"

Mitch, a Presbyterian, loved to sneak away to the race track. One day he was
betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, when he noticed a priest
who stepped onto the track and blessed the forehead of a horse lining up for
the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse -- a very long shot -- won the race.
Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure
enough, he watched the priest step onto the track as the 5th race horses
lined up, and placed his blessing on the forehead of a horse.

Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse.
Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won
the race. Mitch collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which
horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest
showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won! As the day went on,
the priest continued blessing horses, and they always came in first. Mitch
began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his
wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM,
withdrew big money and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him
which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the
track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves
of one of the horses. Mitch bet every cent, and watched the horse come in
dead last.

Dumbfounded, Mitch made his way to the track and when he found the priest,
he demanded, "What happened,
Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed
a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my savings, thanks to you!!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants.
You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and Last Rites."

Great Life Lesson

I hired a plumber to help me restore an old
farmhouse, and after he had just finished a rough
first day on the job: a flat tire made him lose an
hour of work, his electric drill quit and his ancient
one ton truck refused to start.
While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence.
On arriving he invited me in to meet his family. As we
walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a
small tree, touching the tips of the branches with
both hands.
When opening the door he underwent an amazing transformation.
His tanned face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged
his two small children and gave his wife a kiss.
Afterward he walked me to the car.
We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me.
I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier.
Oh, that's my trouble tree," he replied.
"I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing's
for sure, those troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and the children.
So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home and ask God to take care of them.
Then in the morning I pick them up again.
Funny thing is," he smiled", when I come out in the morning to
pick 'em up, there aren't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before."

Subject: Redneck Ghost Story

A professor at the University of West Virginia was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks

"How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands."Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you
who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"About 15 students raise their hands.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands."That's fantastic! Now let me ask you one question further... " Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Billy Ray raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made love to a
ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Billy Ray, tell us what it's like to make love to a ghost?"

Billy Ray replied, "Ghost!!! Shucks, From way back
yonder, I thought you said Goats !"

The Right Prescription

This woman walks into a pharmacy, and tells the pharmacist that she wants some arsenic. Not unnaturally, he asks her what it's for. She says, forthrightly enough, "I want to kill my husband." He says, "Oh, good heavens, no -- I'm sorry, but I just can't do that!" She then reaches into her handbag and pulls out a photograph of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him.

" Ah," he says, "you didn't tell me you had a PRESCRIPTION...."

Frequently Asked Questions About HMO's

Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered
by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in
his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger
poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.

Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book
listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered.
These doctors basically fall into two categories--those who are no longer accepting new patients,
and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry--the remaining doctor
who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day's drive away!

Q. What are pre-existing conditions?
A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing
conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.

Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic
medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician.
It's best to wait until you return, and then get sick.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem.
Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 co-payment,
there's no harm giving him a shot at it.
Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

Subject: Politicians

While walking down the street one day a well known female politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.""No problem, just let me in," says the lady.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where tospend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the female politician "I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell.
The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly
game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for her.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the female politician joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."
She reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck.
"I don't understand," stammers female politician. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at her, smiles and says,

"Yesterday we were campaigning."

"Today you voted for us!"

With A Special Shout Out To All Of My Baptist And Penticostal Brothers And Sisters, I Thought This Was Hysterical . If You Don't, Hey Lighten Up.

Babtist Dog

A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog. Ever mindful of
the congregation, they knew the dog must also be a Baptist. They visited
kennel after kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they found a kennel
whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted. The owner brought
the dog to meet the pastor and his wife.

"Fetch the Bible," he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf,
scrutinized the books, located the Bible,
and brought it to the owner.

"Now find Psalm 23," he commanded. The dog dropped the Bible to the floor,
and showing marvelous dexterity
with his paws, leafed through and finding the correct passage, pointed to
it with his paw. The pastor and his wife were very impressed and purchased the dog.

That evening, a group of church members came to visit. The pastor and his
wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The
visitors were very impressed. One man asked, "Can he do regular dog tricks,
too?"

"I haven't tried yet," the pastor replied. He pointed his finger at the
dog. "HEEL!" the pastor
commanded. The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed one paw on the
pastor's forehead and began to howl. The pastor looked at his wife in shock
and said, "Good Lord! He's Pentecostal !"

So what's wrong with being a cowboy?
by Susie Freeman, Reporter Columnist

One of the accusations aimed at President Bush by his detractors is to call
him a "cowboy," as if this is some mark of shame, implying something
sinister or simple-minded. I keep wondering why.? Have you ever watched a
rodeo?
They've started interviewing the contestants after they compete, giving the
audience a little glimpse into the character of these athletes, something
like the ones conducted preceding title fights and following basketball and
football games.
They go something like this;
"Cody, you made a spectacular ride, which moves you into first place. How
do you feel about your position as the number one bull-rider in the
country?"
"Well, ma'am, (notice the use of a term of respect, a vanishing social
custom among most Americans under the age of 30), I've been real lucky.
I've drawn some good bulls and everything has fallen into place for me this
year. Some of my
competitors have had some injuries and bad luck. I just hope I can stay
healthy."
Before his closest competitor comes out of the chute, this cowboy then
climbs up on the fence and helps him tie on his rigging. He gives that same
guy a high five at the side of the arena when he's beaten by two points on
the ride he helped him prepare for.
How many times have you seen an arena full of rodeo fans take to the streets
following a competition and set fire to cars or hold an impromptu riot
because they felt dissatisfied with the final outcome, as Michigan State
students recently did?
There is no booing of officials when scores are announced. I've never heard
of a contested call by any competitor, even when it meant the difference
between winning and losing....
Cowboys don't whine.
Cowboys regularly loan each other equipment and even horses, frequently
valued at $50,000 to $100,000 per animals, when a fellow competitor's ride
didn't arrive in time for tonight's roping or bulldogging or whatever.
When 'The Star Spangled Banner' is played, to a man and woman they rise to
their feet and put their hats over their hearts in respect.
They don't wear T-shirts bearing offensive sexual messages.
When a cowboy (or cowgirl) is injured, the rest hold fund-raisers and donate
time and money to help him or her and their families through a rough
financial time.
A lifetime achievement is the day when a contestant reaches $1 million in
earnings. To reach that goal, he or she has spent about 15 years
practicing and suffering dozens of injuries, traveled hundreds of thousands
of miles from rodeo to rodeo,
frequently with their toughest competition, who also happens to be their
best friend.
Headlines never seem to carry news of a world-champion bull rider or calf
roper beating up his wife or being arrested for molesting under-age girls.
And they, too, have their groupies and some even have failed marriages,
sad victims of the vagabond lifestyle necessary to follow the rodeo circuit.
They seem to know who their fathers are and most often seem to be married
to the mothers of their children. They thank theirfamilies for their
successes.
So, I have to ask: What's wrong with being described as a "cowboy?"
It seems to me to be high praise in a world full of folks with questionable
moral standards, technicolor hair, bodies adorned with rings and tattoos in
startling locations and no respect for anything of value or worth.
It seems our "cowboy" president is in some pretty good company.
Sure beats being a Frenchman.
Cowboy Up!

"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre
minds"
Albert Einstein

Albert Einstein said the difference between genius and stupidity is genius has its limits .****

***********************************************************
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage.
A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
***********************************************************
A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a
car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car.
They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
***********************************************************
45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change.
According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.
***********************************************************
David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I, after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind.
***********************************************************
Oklahoma City - Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court this week when he fired his lawyer.
Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should have blown your [expletive] head off."
The defendant paused, then quickly added, "--if I'd been the one that was there."
The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommend a 30 year sentence.
***********************************************************
R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood.
When he asked how the system worked, the officers asked him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin gave them his driver's license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlin because information on the screen showed that Gaitlin was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
***********************************************************
Police in Chicago sent Cubs tickets to people with outstanding arrest warrants. When they arrived at the game, they were promptly arrested.
***********************************************************

Little Fireman

A fire fighter is working outside the station when
he notices a little
girl in a little red wagon with little ladders on
the sides, a garden hose coiled in the middle, and
wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being
pulled by her dog and her cat.

The fire fighter takes a closer look. "That sure is
a nice fire truck,"
the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks," the girl says.

The fire fighter notices the girl has tied the wagon
to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't
want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you
were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I
think you could go faster.

"The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're
probably right, but ...
then I wouldn't have a siren."

Gotta love little boys

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax
and proceeded to the check-out counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy,"Son, how old are you?"
"Eight", the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for my
brother,
he's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim
and ride
a bike. He can't do either one."

Senator Glenn
Some people still don't understand why military personnel do what they do for a living. This exchange between Senators John Glenn and Sen. Howard Metzenbaum is worth reading. Not only is it a pretty impressive impromptu speech, but it's also a good example of one man's explanation of why men and women in the Uniformed Services do what they do for a living. This an example of what those who have never served, think of the Military.
Senator Metzenbaum to Senator Glenn: "How can you run for Senate when you've never held a real "job"?"
Senator Glenn: "I served 23 years in the United States Marine Corps. I served through two wars. I flew 149 missions. My plane was hit by antiaircraft fire on 12 different occasions. I was in the space program. It wasn't my checkbook; it was my Life on the line. It was not a nine to five job where I took time off to take the daily cash receipts to the bank. I ask you to go with me ... as I went the other day to a Veterans Hospital and look at those men with their mangled bodies in the eye and tell them they didn't hold a job. You go with me to the space program and go as I have gone to the widows and orphans of Ed White and Gus Grissom and Roger Chaffee and you look those kids in the eye and tell them that their dad didn't hold a job. You go with me on Memorial Day coming up and you stand in Arlington National Cemetery, where I have more friends than I'd like to remember and you watch those waving flags. You stand there, and you think about this nation, and you tell me th! at thos e people didn't have a job. I'll tell you, Howard Metzenbaum, you should be on your knees every day of your life thanking God that there were some men - SOME MEN - who held a job. And they required a dedication to purpose and a love of country and a dedication to duty that was more important than life itself. And their self-sacrifice is what made this country possible --- I HAVE HELD A JOB, HOWARD! --- "What about you?"

Dear Billy Joe Bob,
:
: I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live
: where we did when you left home. Your pa read in the newspaper that most
: accidents happen within 20 minutes of your home, so we moved. I won't be
: able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took
: the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their
: address.
:
: This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it
: works so well, though, Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled
the
: chain, we haven't seen it since.
:
: The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first
time
: for three days and the second time for four days.
:
: About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Bubba said it would be
too
: heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put
: them in the pockets.
:
: Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried
because
: it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
:
: Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is
yet
: so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. But the baby looks just like
: your brother.
:
: Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull
: him out, but he fought them off and he drowned. We had him cremated; he
: burned for three days.
:
: Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Lee Roy was
: driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two
: friends were in the back; they drowned because they couldn't get the
: tailgate down.
:
: Love,
: Your Favorite Aunt